Story

Everyone has a story,
Behind harsh exterior caught in the crosshairs of mundaneness; reliving the moments, lost somewhere amidst distant memories.
Sun paints the sky as dusk locks it in a cage;
Quietly in solitude,
How night pens the poem and day,
hastily turns the page!

Unrest.

Have you really had a bad day or just 10-20 minutes when you let your thoughts go rogue? When you unintentionally transfer that to ones you love! You say you don’t know?
Come on! You run this shit.

Most of your stress comes from the way you respond not the way life is. I’m quirky, silly, blunt and broken or maybe not; sometimes I trip over my insecurities and Sometimes, I’m lost in thoughts wandering around in turbulence.
I love myself and abhor it at the same moment.

Words- collab

What you read isn’t my story; don’t try reading in between the lines. The words that tell my tales are struck off and horridly concealed. Every happy spell is contaminated by the knowledge of how fleeting such moments are and how life is spent trying to disentangle this contingency. There’s no life on paper, neither […]

Words.

When I’m unable to write and he comes to rescue.

Chaotic solitude.

Sometimes I long for silence. The terrifying kind, one that implodes in your mind.
The sun melts into twilight, everything happening in a sight.
Glittering sheaves, frail and fluttering leaves.
The wild wind blowing, hark to a voice that is calling. What is most like thee? In a dell of dew, scattering it’s real hue. Teaching me gladness, that my brain must know.
Thoughts come alive, dancing in the symphonies of my mind. The harmonius madness from my lips would flow. The world should listen then, as I’m listening now.

I write.

My heart yearns to write but my thoughts are numb and I succumb. I look around for the world, where the hell does it hide?
I looked within to lose myself in a labyrinth, grim. Passages lead to memories, of a soul that’s lost and I follow the voices that called.
They mourn the absence, sing a sad memoir of the one that got away and now we bleed, every hour, slower. I laugh at my naiveté as I fall into the trap and I wonder why I do that?

Maybe

You may be sure about where your relationship is going but tell me this, how certain are you that it’ll go as planned? You look at the sky and close your eyes trying to feel the energy, thinking about the one you love expecting them to be thinking about you too. Are they? Do you know? The faces we hide and faces we show hate each other. What you see and what it is are contradictory.

Be honest with yourself and you know it.
It isn’t a fiery, passionate emotion that you can empower yourself back from the brink of. It’s quieter and subtler. It’s the acceptance of the idea that it doesn’t really conquer anything. Maybe love isn’t what you thought it was. Maybe it’s all just some grandiose idea we made up to distract ourselves from the exerting realities of living. Maybe none of it was ever built to last. Everything is maybe and we’re still counting on it.

In collaboration with Bharath.

Denial

You did something shitty; Something that the untainted part of you wishes you could right the wrongs.
But you can’t! Sometimes, there are no second chances.
And that’s okay! Because it has to be.
The truth is, whether you’re good or bad, it’s simply a story that you tell yourself.
You’re scared; that the person who emerged in you before is going to re-emerge and compel you again, cause chaos again. That story is the muck on your shoes that you drag through the homes of everyone you love until the day you decide to get them cleaned. You’re hiding yourself in darkness and denying the world of your light, the part of you, who’s capable of everything imaginable. The one who knows both light and darkness.

Trap

Fleeting memories.
Better and worse.
When self righteousness struggles to curb human perfections.
The first pangs of jealousy
You wish to deny, it’s very existence.
The innate honesty within doesn’t allow.
You succumb,
suffocate, feel like an outcast.
The reason of my misery, I’m blissfully unaware.
Falling into trap
Realization sinks in, that is yearning for something
That I can’t have.

Even as you fall for someone…

Even as you fall for someone,
In a slow burn,
Things hold you back.
For even as the cynic that you may be,
A part of you finds a reason to believe again.
This actuality onerous,
A mockery sometimes.
In all the dark spite,
There is still a flame of hope of acceptance.
There is yet an emptiness, pervading
That waits to be filled by that someone’s existence.

Floating away.

They take me for granted because I care, sometimes too much. I’ve been told.
I feel like shit, like my lungs ran out of air.
When you’re always available for them, you break; like a feeble stem.
There’s a devil and a deep blue sea;
The world is turning, the bridges are burning! The devil drags me under and says “the higher you go, the harder you fall.”
It’s like a leap of faith; it was a choice but I blame it on fate.

And there you stood, alone, fading into nothingness, floating away with the waves.

But don’t they know? Even the strongest feeling broken into fragments expires too!

Smiling at the irony.

He was scarred, she was broken.
He was resilient, she was hopeful.
He hid his dark cynicism under a thick volatile skin.
Her laughter like bells rankled his darkness.
She had no reason to be unhappy and yet she was.
He had no reason to be happy and yet he was.

The more she wanted him,
the more life swept him away.
The more she wanted to weaken,
the more hardened and puzzling she became.
Struggling to reach out and say it out loud
Convincing herself they were different.
In shadow,
She hid him in plain sight and walked out into the same light.

Sometimes it is hard to accept.
When two parallel lines,
Well matched, complimenting one another, blind to the irony.
Running next to eachother,
With no point of contact.

Sometimes it’s best to let things be!
Their paths had to cross briefly.
Helpless? She is!
Smiling at the irony.
Shattered feelings.
An impossible eternity.

The selves within me.

Sometimes you’re toxic;
Invasive, intrusive and inconsistent.
Sometimes you’re mean,
Head chaotic and stained.
Sometimes you push people away,
hiding your feelings anyway.
Sometimes you fear sleepless nights,
You open your eyes and it’s still dark.
Sometimes your demons make noise,
Even when you step into the light.
Sometimes your world grows dark,
and you see nobody to wrap you in their arms.
When did emptiness get so heavy?
Questions that exist
Are answered with silence.
Blessings are cursed and curses turn into blessings.
Goddamnit!

Small Town.

Sometimes it’s worth getting up early.
Sundown; And me?? Melting down.
The stars and moon; nothing is as quiet and magical as this.
Here comes; kulhadd wali chai! (Emotion)

The best thing about living in a small town is you can hide but you are never invisible. You can be alone but never lonely. Lying beneath a city of stars counting our dreams with the sweet tea going with anything. Finding yourself in middle of nowhere and in middle of nowhere finding yourself. You can leave but there’s an even stronger pull luring you back. You love and are loved.

You and me- collab

I went round and round on my heel; I’ve danced all night, wishing you too would feel,
What I have, what I’ve done; oh my! Is my secret revealed?

Nothing special, nor was it different from everything else now that my joys and sorrows are pinned; With you. I’m boundless and free, Oh yes, it’s true! Has my fate been sealed?

Love lurks in between shadows and my soul,
We are trapped in between, neither of us look for a way out. The silences are now loud, we’re lost in this crowd;  if there’s magic, it’s you and me.

In collaboration with Bharath. Finally!!!!

I know you know.

I know you can hear me.
When I don’t speak.
I know you’re listening,
When I tell you about my trouble and strife.

I remember the day,
When you were lying on the death bed.
And I was sitting right next to you,
with my tears shed.
The sun was set.
Didn’t you know, you were my only asset?

I heard your whisper.
Miss me a little, but let me go.
But not with head bowed low.
I turned around to see you!
But all I could see faces down in dumps,
missing you.

I know you know,
I often lie awake at nights.
I walk down the lane,
with tears caressing my cheeks.
Where do you go?
To see you; I turn.
To touch you; I burn.

Remembering you is easy.
But missing you is not.
Then, I hold you tightly in my heart.
I sit and talk again.
But you’re not here,
and it will always pain.

Ps- This poem I wrote year back on this day for my maternal grandma. Since, so many months I’m trying to complete this but I’m not able to. It’s still incomplete so am I, without her.

Untitled-1

You pull away.
You spend time alone, recharging yourself, understanding self. Letting go.


But neither side makes you happy. Nothing leaves you feeling complete. You fail to find balance because you crave for both the things equally. And you are left, held in a state between what you want and who you are, what you’re becoming and yet so scared to be.
You’re just ridiculously emotional.

A part of me.

You leave.
But you don’t stay gone. Why do you do that? Why do you abandon the thing you want to keep? Why do you linger in a place you don’t want to stay? Why do you think it’s okay to be stuck in between??


I look into the mirror and wonder what I see; there are shards and I know it’s me.

Learning…

It has been the greatest and most difficult years of my life. I learned everything is temporary. Everything means every damn thing! Moments, feelings, people, emotions, flower. I learned love is about giving and letting it hurt. There were times when I losed all my hopes, I was lost, blaming no one but me. I realized vulnerability is always the right choice because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it so very difficult to remain soft. I’ve been seeing the ending from the starting line and race no longer seems to be worth running since my heart was already intact with scrapes and jagged edges where the smooth parts used to be.

It has been the years of hurting so bad, loosing but living so good. Making strangers out of friends and friends out of strangers. Learning to bake choco chip cake, different flavored ice creams hoping it will fix everything. Learning that all the things come in twos. Pain and joy, life and death, salt and sugar, hot and cold, moon and star, sun and flower? All balancing the universe.

Time and distance are heart’s arch enemies. Everyone we meet, everyone we love, how we got here, what path we choose and who we choose to remember, all of those are parts of our story; nobody can write it but us. We don’t have forever.
But we have today. This moment.
Little things matter and we notice them only when the big things are taken away from us.
We are matter and we matter.

Exhaustion

I’m exhausted!
Depleted.
Consumed.
Worn-out.
Not because of the lack of rest.
But due to weariness by life.
There is something deeper,
something innate.
I can feel them in the fibres of my skin,
bags under my eyes.

A realization sinks in.
Of what was? what is?
An ache,
is this alienated feeling
longing for something?

This fatigueness seeping in deep,
running through my veins.
Hitting into the corners of my soul.
Eating into me, trying to break free.

I’m exhausted.
And here I stand
By the noise and silence.
Light and dark.
Hope and despair.
Persistent buzzing of reality and desire!

I’m exhausted.
And in all this and more
Lies a mind deeply lost.
For the type of rest it wants.

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