I know you know.

I know you can hear me.
When I don’t speak.
I know you’re listening,
When I tell you about my trouble and strife.

I remember the day,
When you were lying on the death bed.
And I was sitting right next to you,
with my tears shed.
The sun was set.
Didn’t you know, you were my only asset?

I heard your whisper.
Miss me a little, but let me go.
But not with head bowed low.
I turned around to see you!
But all I could see faces down in dumps,
missing you.

I know you know,
I often lie awake at nights.
I walk down the lane,
with tears caressing my cheeks.
Where do you go?
To see you; I turn.
To touch you; I burn.

Remembering you is easy.
But missing you is not.
Then, I hold you tightly in my heart.
I sit and talk again.
But you’re not here,
and it will always pain.

Ps- This poem I wrote year back on this day for my maternal grandma. Since, so many months I’m trying to complete this but I’m not able to. It’s still incomplete so am I, without her.

Untitled.

You pull away.
You spend time alone, recharging yourself, understanding self. Letting go.


But neither side makes you happy. Nothing leaves you feeling complete. You fail to find balance because you crave for both the things equally. And you are left, held in a state between what you want and who you are, what you’re becoming and yet so scared to be.
You’re just ridiculously emotional.

Learning…

It has been the greatest and most difficult years of my life. I learned everything is temporary. Everything means every damn thing! Moments, feelings, people, emotions, flower. I learned love is about giving and letting it hurt. There were times when I losed all my hopes, I was lost, blaming no one but me. I realized vulnerability is always the right choice because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it so very difficult to remain soft. I’ve been seeing the ending from the starting line and race no longer seems to be worth running since my heart was already intact with scrapes and jagged edges where the smooth parts used to be.

It has been the years of hurting so bad, loosing but living so good. Making strangers out of friends and friends out of strangers. Learning to bake choco chip cake, different flavored ice creams hoping it will fix everything. Learning that all the things come in twos. Pain and joy, life and death, salt and sugar, hot and cold, moon and star, sun and flower? All balancing the universe.

Time and distance are heart’s arch enemies. Everyone we meet, everyone we love, how we got here, what path we choose and who we choose to remember, all of those are parts of our story; nobody can write it but us. We don’t have forever.
But we have today. This moment.
Little things matter and we notice them only when the big things are taken away from us.
We are matter and we matter.

Exhaustion

I’m exhausted!
Depleted.
Consumed.
Worn-out.
Not because of the lack of rest.
But due to weariness by life.
There is something deeper,
something innate.
I can feel them in the fibres of my skin,
bags under my eyes.

A realization sinks in.
Of what was? what is?
An ache,
is this alienated feeling
longing for something?

This fatigueness seeping in deep,
running through my veins.
Hitting into the corners of my soul.
Eating into me, trying to break free.

I’m exhausted.
And here I stand
By the noise and silence.
Light and dark.
Hope and despair.
Persistent buzzing of reality and desire!

I’m exhausted.
And in all this and more
Lies a mind deeply lost.
For the type of rest it wants.

Lost things.

Whatever we had, Where has it gone?
I still feel your touch, fragile and tender. 
What we love clashed with what we wanted
And we walked away, empty handed.

We don’t talk anymore.
What would I say to you if we cross paths again? It would be a dream come true but reality won’t be the same. I stopped thinking about you and the possibilities of us. It’s not even a dream.
We’re not us anymore.

And this is how people go but how they leave always stays.

In collaboration with Bharath. Do you have any idea how much I admire you? You don’t! So, better don’t argue with me next time because you’re amazing!

Clarity

I want to give in,
And flow with the river.
A river of pure emotion!
As life sweeps me away.
I drown
In the tidal waves
That wash me ashore
And take me in
Everyday.

I grin and scream within;
I can break but not bend!
I can survive but not live;
If I can embrace this illusion,
That holds promises
Of unwavering faith.

I persist.
I go against the tide;
To tranquility
Away from delusion.

I know not!

Unsure and enfeeble,
A nameless feeling devours me.
I search for solace,
Losing myself in nothingness,
What is it that I want? I know not!
Detached and numb, I dive
into a sleepless slumber
between darkness of desires and sanity,
finding common ground in unknown territory.

There is something that I can’t see,
can’t touch.
Is it a feeling?
An object?
Or a person?

The Void.

I look ahead into future,
A void stares back!
And you fade away,
Long lost; irretrievable.
Then surges,
A pain, of betrayal,
web of lies and machinations.
The price I paid
For being loyal?

The void now
consumes me.
I start to lose faith,
Emotions are now chained.
Shattered trust,
Burning desires,
And broken promises
Plague the roads to my heart,
And me; a lone traveller!
Prefers the road untraveled.

Do I feel sad?
Do I wail?
Am I fortunate to have
Freed myself?

I am the void
Staring into myself
I am now complete.

A dilemma!

I split myself open for you, sewing myself up hurts, it’s true.
You sell them your soul
Games change,
You see the dice roll.

The ambiguity and never ending optimism,
The shifts in paradigm!
Looming, fearful
And Paradoxically worrisome.
Being doleful; an addiction?
Neither of you can find happiness.
One piece breaks into two
Tell me, which one are you?

Count on it.

It’s hard to live with what ifs, ain’t it? There must always be this constant faint aching in your stomach, like a butterfly turning back into caterpillar.
I’m afraid, I feel it too.
How in the world did we get here? How did we live through it? How are we even living?

Why is it that?
We long for the beginning when the story ends? We don’t give a shit, do we?

You can imitate a light like mine; but you cannot become it.
If I’m not the love of your life,
I’ll be the greatest loss.
Count on it.

Hold my hand.

Hold my hand,
Stay with me,
Run your hands through my hairs,
Wait for my sigh!
This darkness bewilders my mind,
Was all of it a lie?
The waves of the sea and the splashing streams;
The riddle and the lines in between.

Hold my hand,
Stay a while!
Emotional overflow?
Tell me something I don’t know.
In the lap of mountains, at high noon,
Show me sunset and e’en hues.
Give me memories,
tracing new stories
As our souls inspire poetry.

Hold my hand
For a while more;
Why does it feel so right?
I want to touch your soul,
and you to touch mine.
Entwined fingers, warm smiles,
and the slow breeze passing by.
Moments fleeting within
The blink of an eye.

Hold my hand,
One last time;
I wonder,
Is all of this for real?

If you can’t be mine;
Let go of me, gently
I have a year to heal.

Now, I see me.

Why is life so complicated ? Why does the very air you breathe suffocates? Why do expectations hurt? What’s with the masquerade?

Why aren’t we happy? Why are decisions so difficult? Why are choices so confusing?

What hurts more: losing someone? loneliness?rejection? envy? “Move on” they say “You deserve better!” What is better?

Why are feelings inexpressible?? Are things really that complicated? Or is it us?

Everytime I lie to myself that I don’t care,
about all the bonds we shared.
But now nothing makes me feel bad anymore.
I’ve stored my pride and caring it like my own. I’m pristine and gentle like a fawn.
So, no matter what you do!
In all this and more, I see me, know me and not you anymore.

The one I’ll look up to.

What if you meet your eight year old self today?
What will you tell her?
Will you warn her of future?

Without a pause, I’d wrap her in my arms.
Narrate the tale of a girl
who’s a lot like her.
But will she recognize herself
When she looks at my face?
The untamed world; I try and hide in
The dark circles beneath my eyes.

There’d be joy in her naive smile
To give it back, I’d walk the long mile.
A silent plea, dances on my lips
too scared to be voiced;
Because my eight year old self believes,
this world can be nice.
Those innocent eyes,
too tender to make a choice;
‘Tis a harsh World, takes life as a sacrifice
Every choice has a price
So, little one, think twice!

Do I fly or stand still?
Am I a dreamer or a cynic?
Am I  liberated or utterly repressed?

This exquisite discontent,
of lost innocence!

There will be people, flicking through your pages.
A judging world will
Tell you a begrudging tale
Of love, betrayal and hypocrisy.

I might want to give up and when I want to,
She’s the one I would look up to.

Dancing to the blues.

Her  eyes.
Shining through window,
showing the beauty of the tanned hues
Amid the light; you’ll see the beam,
like waves with undulating pleats.

In the room that sheltered her soul,
She drifts away in darkness and is now lost.
You think she will make you entirety,
You Plead to let you in.

But her curtains are drawn tight,
That faint silhouette was a just a trick,
played by the light.

And you glanced around the room;
What did you assume?
Music turned on, she’s dancing
To her blues.

Don’t ask for her hand,
Don’t you make a move,
You know where you stand,
Tap into her groove.

Walls have heard her stories,
Wardrobes hide her demons,
Wind craved her voice,
Silence needs no presence.

Let it unfold.

Our lives; A big puzzle.
We constantly keep adding more peices and at times we remove some.
There are ones,
Who fit, some try and some do not.
And there comes a time,
When you want to reshuffle all the peices and start fresh.
But this is difficult, right?

And in all of it;
We keep adding,
smile, laughter, tears to fix that a bit.
No matter, how you sharpen up your edges,
you won’t fit in others, unless they want!
Because for them,
Your existence; defined by comparison.
Distinction!
Deadened!
So, don’t you dare making yourself a smaller peice.

Before the world tell you,
Who you should be?
Unleash your inner beast!
There is a crude beauty,
spunky to behold.
Not for weaks,
to stay put and uphold.
So, love yourself with exemption,
And let it unfold.

A Twisted Tale.

Two lost souls;
In parallel dimensions.
Identical,
well matched!

Mind possesing;
Short-lived fantasy.
Instant and intense.
Indulging, devouring, hypnotising.
And then the reality!
Threatening to shatter.

Soaring into the skies; those inconceivable heights.
Smiling through tears; hiding fears.
Paths crossing briefly and this wordly.
This dreadful innate reality; pointing fingers!

The acceptance of what was and will never be again.
A realisation so uncertain.

Companions?
Soul- mates?
Shared sentiments!
A mere delusion?

This feeling,
incapable of being annulled.
Surrounding oneself in city lights,
lost in sea of faces.
Unfamiliar feelings!

Seeing you floating away,
hoping you to be happy anyway.
And this wheel of time!
Has left me in vain.
Of how we went from strangers to friends and strangers again.

Of my kind!

I unzipped my skin,
carefully unscrewed my head.
And I was right!
I am more than weird and a bit awkward.
I am not a kind of beautiful you’ll end up saying ‘wow’.
I’m a deserted road,
a shuffling mess.
Sometimes I smile and cry for no reasons.
I am at content.
Lying awake staring at nothingness,
manifesting the void in me.

And then,
I’m of a kind;
watching sweet movies and masking my tears.
I try to sing when nobody is home to hear.
Quietly humming my favorite tunes while I write.
Sometimes I get imbibed in stories,
Imagining myself in the plot.
Then feel shattered when I don’t like the end.

I’m of a kind;
With a flash of mystery.
Trying to get through,
distress, affection, glory.
So, I’ll understand if you give up on me.
I’ll cry and will be okay,
after a while.
I bite my nails,
when I feel anxiety.
I’m of a kind;
That I’ll walk away if you don’t want me.

I’m of a kind;
That stay calm in face of rage,
burning in fury.
Happiness; delusional or temporary?
Forever; A myth?
Hope; unknown?
Such a mental unrest.
Yes, I am burning!
In the sheer voilence,
A beautiful voilence,
Of my kind!

Loving you unconditionally!

It’s astonishing, how easy falling in love is;
With sleepy faces,
Cranky voices,
The pink blushes and
Dilated pupils;
like an ocean reflecting the summer sun.
The clumsy eaters
Laughing hysterically with tears rolling down
Faces glowing,
Neon lights leading to the countdown.

Addictive? seductive?
You sure you’re the first?
Affection shown is affection lost;
Love Burns through the skin like tattoo.

Knocks your door
in the middle of night.
And see; you are sitting with them in candlelight.

Doesn’t matter how broken they are,
You long to kiss them like remissions.
You hold on to them like hope.
You cherish their scars.

I said,

Won’t burden you with my care,
But guard you from your nightmares.

Tonight, let your shatters
collapse into my lap!
And in the blanket of love, I’ll have you wrapped.
I’ll love you on a pleasant day,
And through a hurricane.
You can see me standing,
When I’m here, you’ve got shade.”

2 AM.

At 2 AM;
I wear the night.
concealing under the blanket of mystery,
stealing colours from the universe clustery.
I am trying to write,
what I thought!
Ceaselessly.
Unrelenting.
Embracing my chaos,
Chasing memories.
Hiding heart wounds that never bleeds.

At 2 AM;
As I look other way,
There is waiting another day!
And in few hours:
The rising sun and the rosy rays.
The silence of my lungs,
is taking deep breaths.
The frail line,
between gaining and loosing continually sways.
I am completely numb.
Feeling no temptations to succumb.

At 2 AM;
I am writing.
Feels like someone is listening.
Against the silence shouts,
those tip-toes, inside out.
With every question, I question!
Colossal raindrops.
The winding mess.
Oh! I wish I could express.

At 2 AM;
On window pane, I heard a sound.
It was the rain drops hitting the ground.
The air seems distilled,
Like I wave my hand and feel something.
The view is murky,
but I want to focus.
Sheets of water in heavenly disguise.
Raindrops kissing my lips; I fantasize.
It is time for rain and me to twine,
And all I want is to smile.

Rain has left a gentle dew,
Told me;
Feel happy in being you.
You’ll never see the dark so deep.
Because dreamers are not the ones who are asleep.

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